Selected Dorothy Parker Quotations
• I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
• I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
• Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
• I know that there are things that never have been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon.
• You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
• Women and elephants never forget.
• I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.
• Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
• Four be the things I'd have been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
• A girl's best friend is her mutter.
• I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
• Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
• Salary is no object; I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.
• Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
• The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'
• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
• The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
• The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.
• Now, look, baby, 'Union' is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.
• It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard.
• All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.
• Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
• Scratch a lover, and find a foe.
• Men don't like nobility in woman. Not any men. I suppose it is because the men like to have the copyrights on nobility -- if there is going to be anything like that in a relationship.
• That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them.
• People are more fun than anybody.
• I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
• I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
• You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
• Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.
• The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.
• Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
• She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
• The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
• If all the young ladies who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.
• As only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night.
• Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, may be prolonged to that point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.
• Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.
• Summer makes me drowsy.
Autumn makes me sing.
Winter's pretty lousy,
But I hate Spring.
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
• He (Robert Benchley) and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.
• Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
• The pure and worthy Mrs. Stowe
Is one we all are proud to know
As mother, wife, and authoress --
Thank God, I am content with less!
about Harriet Beecher Stowe
• That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Related Resources for Dorothy Parker
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About These Quotes
Quote collection assembled by Jone Johnson Lewis. Each quotation page in this collection and the entire collection © Jone Johnson Lewis 1997-2005. This is an informal collection assembled over many years. I regret that I am not be able to provide the original source if it is not listed with the quote.
Jone Johnson Lewis. "Dorothy Parker Quotes." About Women's History. URL: http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/dorothy_parker.htm . Date accessed: (today). (More on how to cite online sources including this page)