My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Oh, grow up!

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Does fashion matter? Always- though not quite as much after death.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
 

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Never floss with a stranger.