Humorous Biographies

G-L (credits below)

GARDEN,[3] Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage. Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was expensively cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English and American congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners.

[3] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement.

GIRL, The Chorus, Um!

GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it when the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a G. book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police. Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: Always blackballed.

GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight.

GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some awful untruths to the innocent.

HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family.

HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches.

HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck."  It is said the poem has been parodized.

HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf which had previously partaken of a relative.

HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home.

ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes until the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king, raised an army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes connected with the discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more active part.

JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident occurred.

JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man.

JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity.

JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.)

JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although occasionally the little statues are found in the pans.

LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers.

LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found.

LAW,[6] Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.

[6] Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy of the above.

LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux.

LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good song.

LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and Poland to the United States.

LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine.

LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth.

Credits: The biographies in this section were extracted from Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date: Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be, edited by Irwin Leslie Gordon, about 1910.

Discuss in my forum